i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize