Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
