Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
