hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
