I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
