My sheets look like a crime scene.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
