Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
