So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
