Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
