i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
