Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
