Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
