She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
