Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
