please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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