fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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