I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
