I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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