we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
