Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
