It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
