i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It's rum buckets o'clock
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
