You smell like a Billy Joel song
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
