I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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