I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
