I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
