Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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