His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
