May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
