I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
