Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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