If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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