Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
