I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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