There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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