put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
