The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
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I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
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Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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