woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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