Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
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He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
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Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex