I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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