Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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