I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
