I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
