OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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