made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
