I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
