Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
