I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
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