I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
