So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Drake has all the answers
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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