Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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