dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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