Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm just crazy horny about you
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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