dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
