Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
