he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
