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your room smells of hookers.
And success
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
