I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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