I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
