I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
