this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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