Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
