I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Randomize
