the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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